Love? Yes, yourself.

I've had many things that I have thought of writing about this past week but I guess they weren't significant enough for me to really remember them and to blog about it. Because usually I do blog about the pressing issues that are in my heart/ floating around in my brain, and just a minute ago, something popped into my brain. Imagine a sky full of grey clouds and lightning, (thanks to math) then suddenly a white cloud pops into existence there. Sounds pretty cute doesn't it?

Anyway, the title of this post SHOULD have given you a rough idea of what I'm going to talk about. Yes, loving yourself. Honestly, I love myself a lot. I have stretch marks on my ass and honestly - I don't exactly like the sight of it but I embrace that it is a part of myself. After all, I have some other things to be happy about.

I don't take shit from nobody. If you tell me I'm ugly I won't give two hoots about your opinion - because who are you to say that to me? I don't care if your opinion of me is negative. Why should I bother? Your opinion for one does not cost money, does not affect my life, does not cause me bodily harm or any of that to the people closest to me. You can think that I'm loud, boisterous, petty, ugly, annoying - whatever. At the end of the day, your opinion remains irrelevant to the important things in my life.

I used to give a shit though. Over the slightest thing someone might have said like, "Oh your acne is really bad. Why do you have acne on your chest/ back?" It WAS really bad at that particular time, and it got to me. Or when people called me "slut" because I was friends with guys when they all weren't yet. (Girls school, 10 years.) Really? REALLY? Slut? Jesus.

Thinking back, I let those comments resonate deep in my head. It's not good because when the reminders are always there - sometimes it seems as if things never get better. I was always too skinny, underweight, not pretty enough, breakouts, pale, weak looking and such.

One day I just decided to stop giving a shit. It wasn't like I immediately woke up and went like "Oh from today onwards I'm not gonna give a fuck about anything else that people say about me again!" Things aren't as easy as that. If it were, then a lot more people would be less insecure. It started off as a gradual process - where if someone said something bad about me, I'd actually feel shitty for a while, then try to find things about myself to counter it.

Like when this particular friend called me a slut indirectly (I didn't have to hear the word to know it), I told myself that, 'Hey, knowing people isn't that bad. Boys = less drama!' (Which incidentally is true only for GUY FRIENDS that DO NOT LIKE YOU or are NOT together with you, but I digress.)

I mean for every single thing that's negative, I tried to find a sort of consolation for it. Like e.g. acne I'd think like 'It's just the hormones, when I'm older it'll slow down and I guess I just have to keep washing my face & try out different treatments. It won't be that bad!' True enough, I'm 17 now and the acne isn't even really acne anymore. I'm just prone to a few pimples here and there. My face has scars yes, but it's really miniscule.

Thing is, for every negative thing you find about yourself - or others find about you? Don't let it get to your head. And if it's there, resonating in the spaces of your brain and whispering to you every day... find something to occupy yourself. Games, books, movies, work, hobbies. Or you could find the good things about yourself. It doesn't have to directly counter what the person says about you - so long as it makes yourself feel better. Like for example someone called you fat. The person is... say, skinny. She is what you want to be. But then you should think, 'Hey, she's such a bitch. So what if she has a nice figure? I have a good heart and that's what matters. Karma'll get her anyway.'

Unless it is deserved criticism, (which most of the time, it isn't) you can make up weird reasons (e.g. she has smelly pits so I'm better than her) to make yourself feel better, 'cause everyone deserves to be happy with themselves. I mean, you don't have to yell it in her face, but you can be a bitch in your own head. If you're not going to protect yourself, who is? Your mom can't read your mind. Your best friend can only do so much. If someone tells you something and is genuinely trying to help you, let them. Don't refute everything they say - they'll get tired of it eventually.

If everyone were happier with themselves and not criticize others for their size/ color/ shape/ religion/ race... the world would be a happier place. But we don't always get what we want. Sometimes when we try to do something for someone else or others in general, it always seems to backfire. So you honestly deserve to be selfish because your feelings are YOURS, and if someone that doesn't matter to you manages to damage your feelings... something's wrong, isn't it? It's yours. Protect it as if you're it's mother.

But at the end of the day, who is our biggest enemy? Who is our Goliath? And the answer is: yourself.

I know some may be aware, but some aren't. When you're alone, who is the one telling themselves 'Oh, I'm so ugly' or 'She said that I'm fat...'? Yourself isn't it? When you let yourself dwell on things that aren't healthy for you, of course it'll damage you over time. Think positive thoughts, know that you are you for a reason. You can be fat, skinny, average, have no boobs, have extra huge boobs or have a flat ass or a huge ass - you know, it's you. Something that you should embrace. I mean, admiring or even being slightly envious isn't that bad. You wish you had it, but you don't.

There's a fine line between knowing that you don't have something and wanting it, and knowing you don't have something, wanting it, but still accepting that you are the way you are and being fine with it. (I mean, you could go for a boob job if you want to and if it makes you happy.) I am the latter, but I know many who are the former.

People need to understand that not everyone can be the IDEAL woman. Just because you're skinny it doesn't mean anything. It's just something physical. Not everyone can have a badonkadonk like Nicki Minaj's or have boobs like Katy Perry's. I mean I wish I had them too, but it's just a wish. I wouldn't really want to get implants or what because y'know, I've learnt a long time ago that the best way to live your life is to accept and be happy with who you are.

I won't judge anyone who does though because if that's what they need to accept themselves and be happy, then go ahead. No condemnation.

Like I said, everyone deserves to be happy. Even the people I hate. Maybe some deserve punishment but at the end of the day... be happy.

-

Here are my wonderful wonderful classmates that never fail to make my day exciting. They're a great bunch of people who know the difference between "then" and "than", plus they never fail to make my day. We all have a lot in common and I bonded a lot with Juhria and Abby cause Juhria's a bitch like me (HAHAHAH) and relationship-wise, Abby and I have so much to talk about.

I'm glad that I came to RP (sort of) because of these people. They were the ones who changed my perspective that RP was some school that sucked and that it was the ITE of the North or something. They are all extremely smart people that probably got screwed over by a subject (like me) and ended up here.

Anyways, I've also recently discovered a brand new addiction: Llao Llao. Pronounced Yao Yao. Fuck, the Sanum tastes like heaven. I mean some of my friends like Natasha say that it tastes the same as yogurt that you can buy from Cold Storage but I just like the frozen yogurt. The taste is sourish enough for me to like it. I happen to like sour yogurt.

And the fruits/ crunch/ sauces balance it out well enough so I get a great mix of sweet and sour in one cup. Tastes amazing. In this photo it's strawberry sauce, it tastes HEAVENLY god I'm addicted. This one was at 313 and I headed to SP a week later to grab it again. Jeez.

Guess who I bumped into there? YES, Bernice Ng! To quote her, "What are the chances of seeing your RP friend at SP when I came from NP?" ROFL accurate. I was like squinting and then I was like  "BERNICE NG!" LOL. Told her to try the Llao Llao and she bought the wrong cup.

Noob shit. Here's her looking sad as I made fun of her. HAHHAHAHAHAH I am such a great friend!!!!! And it's a nice feeling when your primary & secondary school friends bond. Bernice was from OLQP and Pres was from STC but then they could chat as if they've known each other for a couple of months already. Must be an IJ thing.

Alright, enough of me blabbering on and on. Hope you've enjoyed the post! x

Words: the key to my soul.

Everyday where I don't write - it feels like a little part of me is slipping away. Gradually over the course of hours and then days, I feel like I'm fading away. But what brings me back is writing. I feel like writing opens up a whole new world to me, although I don't know a lot of bombastic words. But I still try to express what I have buried inside me, because I like to share this side.

I'm not a very good writer but I love observing others and then describing them. I think there is a beauty in the people that I love and I live to appreciate that beauty - and them, for being a part of my life. Once you hit secondary 3-4, your social circle solidifies because that's the group of friends you'll stay in contact with FOREVER. I do have a few primary school friends that I still talk to regularly (sort of) like Andrea and Bernice, so they're part of my social circle too :-)

Every single day I thank God that I have come to know these people in my life and I will be eternally grateful for their friendship because I KNOW I am a hard person to love, and yet here they are even after who knows how long. I thank them for their tolerance and that's why I strive to put a smile on their faces - it's my way of repayment. I love knowing that I am a source of their amusement perhaps after a long, hard day, or maybe something that I did for them put a smile on their faces.

It feels very magical to me that the concept of friends exists. Some people are easy to love, yes - like my boyfriend - but I'm not. And it surprises me that they are willing to bond with me, rather than people like James that are open. My friends are the kind that usually sit back and watch me too (yes most are like mother hens that secretly watch over me. Bernice, I know you do.), which is pretty cute. They're amazing people.

I'm sorry if I keep going back to the same point, because it's REALLY SO HARD TO BELIEVE. Someone that will love you without hesitation, someone that would (probably & hopefully) take a bullet for you, someone that would save your ass by risking theirs? Not easy to find nowadays. But I'm extremely blessed to be blessed with such great friends, because they'll always be there. You know? This bunch of homies that, at the end of the day... no matter what sort of storms you go through, when you make it through, they'll be there with a glass of vodka (in maybe 10 years' time) yelling 'Cheers bitch!' to you. And if you seem to be falling off the precipice - they'll always be there to catch you in time.

I know I'd do the same for all of my friends. Andrea, Bernice, Gen, Natasha, Prescillia, Jiayi... and if I miss out your names, don't worry. If I extend my friendship to you, you'd know who you are. I don't really have to name all of those names. The amount of gratitude that I have for these people has no boundaries because at some point in time - they saved me from myself.

I was like a ticking time-bomb that would implode eventually - but they defused me. Sometimes way before the bomb exploded - or sometimes right before detonation. But either way, they are all my lifesavers and I will be ever grateful that they will be here to share my demons with me; carry my burdens with me and to go through hardships with me.

Recently my posts have been about cheering my friends up - and to them I might seem like their lighthouse in the midst of the stormy sea... but in all honesty, they are my lifelines. They saved me first, and now, I'm simply repaying the favour. Thank you, thank you, thank you a million times over.

THIS MUST BE LOVE.

For some reason or another - my secondary school friends and I have seemingly had a very rough time in the past couple of weeks. Prescillia had something akin to losing a loved one, and now she's down with a fever + low blood pressure. Not due to that fucker, of course, but I think caused by overall stress and overworking herself. She even fainted during work - thankfully, I managed to catch her.

Natasha's been having bad days too, I can see it on her Twitter feed. I don't know what's going on - her snaps to me have also decreased. I understand I'm not a very big part of her life anymore, but I still keep up with her occasionally and it's sad for me to see her... being sad. It's just not her, you know? She's usually the sass queen and nothing gets to her. I guess the only thing that gets to her is us, 'cause she misses the IJ crew.

I guess they're right when they say IJ friends are friends for life - what we take for granted back then is what we want the most now. 4E was rather bonded, if you ask me. We took everything in stride together and we accepted each other without any qualms - because we all knew we had a lot in common. We were like mirrors that reflected each other, just that the frames were different, you know? We were the same, yet different.

We understood each other, no matter if we liked or disliked the person. I'd give anything to be in the same class as them again. I try to fit them into my life, and they do too. The effort is there, but sometimes it's just our messed up schedules. I miss the way Natasha always laughs at my antics (whether on purpose or accidental) and how she always complains about things. Her complaints are never whiny, but actually deals with very realistic things. Like how boys are such dickbrains and they need to go suck a dick or something. It's hilarious, really.

I spend more time with Prescillia because she's in the same school as me, y'know. We set aside time for each other to have lunch in school, we go to school together in the mornings, and try to go home together. My parents say that we're close to being glued to the hip already. I love teasing her and all, but I just want to be that shoulder for her when she cries. There's nothing that pains me more than seeing her hurt. That applies to all of my friends, actually.

I feel like there's a weight on my back when I see my friends unhappy. I want them to be happy - to enjoy their lives. And if there's any way I can help, I'd love to. I just hope they don't wallow in their sadness/ problems because it really doesn't help much. I see Jiayi occasionally too, when she pops by Starbucks to say hello to me and Pres. It's nice.

Bonny always says hi to me in Jiayi's snaps. She's so pretty (she has always been but wow) now, Jesus. Where's my puberty change again? And my hair's like fried grass.

Ah, but this post isn't about me anyways. It's about my friends.

Natasha recently gave me a present - and she wrote one thing that left a very deep imprint on my heart.

"I love you like a back alley whore loves her next fix." - Natasha

And I love you the exact same way, girl. Simply hanging out with you brings me to an all-time high, because I sincerely enjoy your presence. You always enlighten me with your knowledge, and how in tune you are with the secrets of the universe. You never ever fail to wow me with your words, and I don't think you'll ever stop. Don't ever change.

-

Dear Prescillia,

Please take care of your heart. I'll try to keep it as safe as possible too, but everyone tells me that I have to let you take your own steps. I have to let everyone around me learn to move forward in their lives, and I have to let go of some things, so I won't get left behind either. Protect yourself, protect your heart and most of all, protect your innocence. You see the world in a view that I don't. I see the world in it's harshest light, where people manipulate each other for their own gain.

You still see the world in a pure state - where your friendships are simple. You don't need much but simple love and acceptance by the ones you surround yourself with. And that is a very beautiful thing. Please don't change too.


I love you both.