Self-hate.

It's 2:53am and I find myself thinking about the things that make me, me. And I've come to terms with the fact that I hate it. I love it but I hate it. I know I'm a mess, a contradictory one. I love the fact that I'm the kind of person who gives and gives but I hate it when it backfires on me because frankly who gives a fuck if you are? No one cares. No one is going to tell you "Oh thank you dear, for considering my feelings!" because NO ONE CARES. They all think it's a self-entitled thing, that the people around them can only say nice things to them and not hurt their feelings and that they can hurt other people's feelings because why not?

Of course, you'd say that life is unfair, right? Damn right it is, and when people hurt my feelings who can I complain to? My friends ask me to get over it and my boyfriend thinks that his own feelings > mine so what do I do? I write. I pour all my thoughts and feelings onto paper, onto a blank space where nothing and no one will fire back at me. I can write that you're a faggot and the paper wouldn't yell back at me "YOU'RE THE REAL FAGGOT".

The only remedy for my riotous feelings is writing and it is there that I find my haven, where nothing and no one can hurt me and walk over me like a welcome mat. I am the ranter and the paper is MY welcome mat. I am the one who wipes the mud onto the carpet - as the ink appears across the paper, in between the lines.

At times I worry for my own mental health because if at 3am my mind is telling me "you're really fucked up" then there's probably something wrong. Very wrong. I hate being competitive but I get so competitive that it ruins friendships and relations that I have - and the worst part is that I can't help it, I fucking can't. I can't bear being the one to run second in a race when the person rushes past me with the difference of half a second, I can't bear losing to the people I know because I hate being a loser, I want to be recognized. I want to be a WINNER. Because winners never get criticized, they're the ones in the spotlight. But who focuses on the loser? Only ever the people who call you second-best. Only ever the people who crave to get a shot at your already damaged self-esteem. Only ever the people who jump at the chance to take a stab at your bruised ego because hey, you're the loser!

I hate feeling that way, and today I got scolded for being too competitive.

That means I got scolded for being myself. And trust me, I hate myself too. I hate every piece of me that LIVES because I am just about the worst person on the planet. I'm never smart enough for people, never pretty enough for people, never good enough. I'm not good enough for my family, I'm not good enough for my boyfriend, I'm not good enough for my friends, nor my studies.

I suck. And just because I do well in some things it doesn't mean I'm a fucking genius - there will always be people better than me. And even though Kanye West says that there will always be people better than me, but I'm ME (like, uniquely me), so fucking what? I'm not a person to stand out in the crowd. People notice my friends, not me. They notice other people's work, other people's passion for the things they love.

I'm the one that goes unnoticed. And if there were to be a colour to describe me - it wouldn't even be black. Because black represents something elegant, beautiful, subtle and it is literally the most emotional colour in the world, because black is dark, mysterious and contains some of the most angsty emotions out there. Simmering anger. Jealousy.

I am grey. I am the colour that is dull, unemotional and the most unnoticed colour. Don't even talk to me about fifty shades of grey - the only grey that is mentioned is his surname, and his suit + tie. No, Christian Grey is anything but grey. But I am. I am grey, the grey girl.

I hate myself. And when I try to love myself - it's hard, some days I think 'Hey, maybe I'm getting there!' and then it just comes smashing down onto my head. Some things in these past few months have literally been a slap to my face and it's hard to process. I just want to sleep my days away because sleep is my escape from this shitty reality and from all the fucked up things that swim through my mind during the dark.

You can say that I'm a poor, whiny child that thinks that the world owes me a living - the world does not owe anything a living, and yes. I admit that I am a whiny person and that I deserve at least some understanding for someone who has been through a shitty childhood and has met shitty people, shittier than most of the people that you normal kids have met.

I know, there are people out there that have it worse don't they? Starving kids in Africa. People who are dying from ISIS. Adults who are homeless and poor. But does this mean I can't wallow in my own sadness? NO, go fuck yourself. It's like saying I can't be happy because someone out there is happier than me.

And It seems to me that I'm slowly driving the people around me away. I don't reply messages, I miss out on outings, I hide myself away. Some people leave of their own accord, some people get stolen away, some people stay. But the ones who have stayed - they have their own things to do, don't they? I can't blame them. Either way, I'm a pathetic friend and a pathetic girlfriend.

Don't bother trying to reach out to me after this post, because chances are I won't respond to you. Forget about God, I'm done with my religion. I don't need another person dictating my life based on scriptures from the Bible that was from a few thousand years ago. I don't need another authority figure in my life, I've got my hands full dealing with my own family.

No matter how many times I say that I need to learn how to deal with the fact that people don't need me in their lives - they never ask me out, they never ask me for my opinions or make the time to talk to me - I can't seem to. If possible I'd like to shoot myself in the head. If I were to die I'd want to die painlessly and fast.

I'm the girl who lives in the moment, the girl whose temper flares more than the sun, and the girl who believes in giving to her friends. But those things don't matter, because no one else cares. No one gives two hoots. No one.

Okay, I'm done here with this rant-fest full of self-hate and disgust at myself. Today is April's Fools, so I guess the joke's on me. HA HA HA Valerie, you suck.

Gratitude - & March Holiday Shenanigans

Let me start off my post with my condolences towards the passing of Mr Lee Kuan Yew, who was a founding father of Singapore - this small, tiny country I live in. There is no tragedy in his passing - he passed away peacefully at 3am on the 23rd of March, and I was awake when that happened. I only learnt about it an hour later, but I was still shell-shocked about it, even though there were reports of his failing health throughout the week.

As a media student - keeping up with the news is a must, I agree. But when I saw the amount of people outside Mr Lee's ward waiting for news, I felt confused because that is what media is - yet I felt that it was almost disrespectful for them to be setting up camp outside an ICU ward. But news is news, and that was unavoidable. I accepted it, and moved on. It is their job after all, and mine (in a sense) as well.

And while the country mourns over the loss of a beloved leader, I am... not to say happy, but glad that Mr Lee has been reunited with his wife, whom he loved dearly. He has also lived to a grand age of 91 - that is no mean feat in modern society, especially Singapore. He has seen this island through the times, and from a little sleepy fishing village, he made it so that Singapore was not just a port - he made it into a country that was prosperous and harmonious. Today, it is filled with towering HDB flats, skyscrapers, and a racial peace that is still missing in many first world countries.

He created modern Singapore. He cleaned up the island, established many controversial rules and policies, outlawing chewing gum and such, but there is no doubt that he did what he thought was right, and right he was. Without him, there would be no today, there would be no HDB flats or a clean Singapore River - there wouldn't be SINGAPORE.

And today I must say that even though I am only a mere teenager, born in the late nineties when he was already ruling in the PAP - my education, my home and my country was painstakingly carved out by this very man. And it is with my heartfelt gratitude that I thank him, even though I was not alive to witness his regimes. My father and mother lived through it, and even they said that without him, we wouldn't be where we are today.

Thank you, Mr Lee. Your legacy lives on in each and every one of us - because you have not only changed Singapore, you have left a lasting impact on us. While others may not agree, I am grateful that you were the one who made Singapore into what it is today with your vision. Your memory will live on in us as long as Singapore is here.

Rest In Peace, Mr Lee. 1923 - 2015

-

On Saturday, Natasha and I went to watch Insurgent. Ugh, don't watch it. It was a waste of money, please. The acting was meh, and her short hair reminded me WAY too much of TFIOS. Besides, it was fucking hilarious to see her with 3 of her in-movie boyfriends. In the same cut.

We went to have Pho at Nam Nam (Plaza Sing) at night, it was so good omg. She didn't finish her food, idk why LOL but I did. The soup has this tangy taste that I really can't get over, and it's really refreshing paired with the lime soda!!

Featuring: Natasha's Nano Céline Luggage Tote and our bowls of Pho. They don't have the mousetail soup one anymore I AM SO SAD???????

We went to have Llao Llao and after that we took the bus home. It was a fun day. Also we did some shopping before the movie but it wasn't much.

-

I must say - going to Adventure Cove on a weekday (a fucking Monday!) is a WHOLE NEW experience. Maybe it also helped that it was a non-peak period week, because the March Holidays have just ended. The queues were 2 minutes minimum and 25 minutes maximum.

Lockers are $10, what the heck? But at least they were able to be reopened infinitely. Split costs with your friend if you go and you'll save a LOT of money.

Rides we took today:

Dueling Racer

This is a 2 man ride, but uses a mat where you slide down on it while lying on your front. Jesus, nothing like an adrenaline rush to wake you up. Actually I barely saw anything because my glasses were off, and I kept my eyes shut half the time, but the water and wind against your face feels like heaven - it was just that I kept screaming. I scream on a lot of rides.


Riptide Rocket

All I can say that is THIS RIDE IS GOING TO KILL YOU. I almost died riding it. Well, kinda. It's really fast and as you can see below, you take this float up on the panel (it's like a conveyor belt) and you sit on the float until you reach the top.

And trust me, when I reached the top, I started having a mini panic attack.

Me: I'M GOING TO dIE IM GOING TO DIE I CAn't die yET IM 17 I CAN'T DIE ON THIS RIDE OH MY GOD
Natasha: Will you fucking relax? ._.

The moment we got off the belt and onto the slide, I think my soul flew away. THIS RIDE IS FUCKING FAST AND YOU LITErALLY PLUNGE DOWN (it's not a plunge but it's a really steep downward slide) AND THEN YOU ZOOM UP ANOTHER BELT SO FUCKING QUICKLY MY HEAD WAS THROWN BACK OK.

My only thought at that time was: Am I going to break my neck? Oh and also, I was screaming at the highest pitch the WHOLE TIME. :D

This happened like twice or thrice (the plunge and belt), and then we fucking shot out of the slide so fast that Natasha flew off the front (I was in the back) and according to her, "almost drowned" LOL. Pics below for reference. Pic creds to Google Images! (All images in this post will be from Google as we didn't take any)

Spiral Washout

This ride took 2 minutes to queue for when we hit the top, and it was a chill ride. There are dips and curves but it's not as thrilling as the Riptide Rocket. The lighter person goes in front for this, and so I went in front. It gets pretty dark in there though, but it's okay cause it's like a 2 person thing so if I died, Natasha would've died with me as well. I feel marginally better thinking about that.


Whirlpool Washout

So the fun thing for this ride is that you get shot out of that slide and into this "whirlpool" thing. If you're lucky (or unlucky, your choice) like us, we got swept into the whirlpool BACKWARDS LOL it was a twist... same for the spiral, its a pretty chill ride. But when we went down backwards it was a bit thrilling cause we couldn't see shit LOL.

Also we went to Bluwater Bay, aka the Tsunami pool. Natasha and I strapped ourselves into lifejackets and waded into the deeper parts of the pool. I have no idea why but we were like fucking struggling LOL I think our lifejackets were too big. We both can swim lah, no issue. One part, Natasha was trying to tell me something and then a wave fucking hit me in the face. And she LAUGHED. Best friend 2015.

Then I got out of the pool, feeling a bit nauseous after the rocking in the water so then I went to the toilet to change and stuff, and then went to lie down outside on a bench because I felt like DYING. Almost puked, the acid reflux in my mouth was already happening, but I managed to hold it down.

After I recovered we left for Din Tai Fung, and being super hungry after getting the shit scared out of you on neck-breaking rides, we ordered 4 bowls of noodles. The waitress even had to confirm with us TWICE that we were having 4 bowls. HAHHAHA GG

And here I am writing this post. My results probably come out in about a week or two - and I'm praying that my GPA has been pulled up. My performance in Sem 1 was mediocre, and I really need it to go up. Please, please please!!!

Meh, I'll blog again soon. Writing has become a must in these dreary days of mine, where I write to remember all the time that I've lost. I'm off to watch a movie or two, but to my friends who are still holidaying - enjoy the remaining month you have!

Love,
Anya

If I go will you follow me?

Seeing the recent debacle of Xiaxue's expose, my fingers were itching to write. And after watching Cinderella today, my fingers itched even more. I think that the issue of ethics is important - being a Mass Comm student, I learnt all about internet ethics during my first year at Republic Poly. And I'd like to say that as a blogger, one should have morals - flimsy excuses about how one was really unhappy with their telcos thus the "open complaints" about them & that their lines were "not under their name blah blah" are pretty weak to me. Sure, if you think that this can simply justify what you've done to damage the names of the other telcos, then so be it.

Also, Gushcloud's dirty cover ups - probably just as bad as City Harvest's money laundering, because you're being:

1) DISHONEST
2) OMISSION OF FACTS DOES NOT EQUATE TO "WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW WON'T HURT THEM"
3) BLATANTLY LYING

Also, Gushcloud has no qualms about invading the privacy of their influencers. Asking to search their influencers' phones, claiming without evidence that one of their ex-influencers leaked their brief (why are you harping on the fact that the brief was leaked when what you should focus on is HOW YOU ASKED YOUR INFLUENCERS TO SLANDER STARHUB/M1?), demanding to know of an ex-influencer's boyfriend's address just to "talk to him"? Don't you think this reeks of desperation to cover up one's tracks? Asking Rachel to SWEAR ON HER FAMILY and then saying "I trust you" and then afterwards saying that "I caught her, she slipped up"? Oh yeah, sure. Gushcloud is your "cleanest" business yet. I suggest you buy some toilet paper cause shit just got real.

Glad to know that people like Naomi (who said she was NEVER really a part of Gushcloud - yet another mistreated influencer), Jianhao and Rachel have left. I never really followed any of them but it's plain to see that they know where the line's been crossed, and to leave when that happens. Good game, Gushcloud, but this time I think you're doomed. Your lawyers will probably have to mop up a huge mess - and who's to say that you can even pay them? LOL.

-

Watched Cinderella at The Grand Cathay today with my mummy, and man I cried so much during the movie. I cannot stand scenes where a parental figure dies 'cause that affects me a lot. Of course, we all know the Cinderella story, so I didn't really expect much, just waited for the romance. But I must say, Cate Blanchett and Helena Bonham Carter's acting was stellar. Never thought I'd see someone who portrayed Bellatrix in such a kind character's role. But it was good, plus I loved how the Prince was portrayed. Lily James was okay, I mean what else is there to Cinderella other than her kindness and love that helps her along the way?

4/5 stars because the effects were cool, and that their acting was good. No 5 stars because predictable even with the changes to the plot - there is always a happy ending anyways. But I can't fault that, can I? Actually, just did. LOL

-

During Cinderella, I realized a few things. The most bitter, jealous and envious type of people will never be satisfied... and most commonly it is those types of people that drive the light out of the most kind and deserving people. I guess I need to learn how to be satisfied with myself - if not I'll be the one driving the light out of myself. I know though I may feel like I don't deserve some things sometimes, but I also need to know that I DO deserve some good in my life. NTS: be more positive and fuck those people who make you feel like shit 'cause you don't need negativity in your life.

Why write?

I only write when I'm happy or upset. There is no other exception. Writers write as an outlet to their feelings, things that they cannot humanly express without ridicule or weird stares. There are people who understand them, but those people will not demand to hear it from the writer. Instead, they understand that people like us have to write to release whatever we hold in us - because that is how we create our version of art.

Art comes in many forms. It can come in drawings, paintings, scriptures, calligraphy - but my favourite form of art is writing, because I'm proficient in it. Of course, everyone loves art, and whoever is literate can read. But not everyone can understand what is written - which is what makes it art. Not everyone can see a painting and understand what it is - can I understand what the Mona Lisa means? No, but I know that it is a great art piece by Da Vinci.

Some days I just like to sit alone and stare into space and lose myself in my head, though I'm not sure if it's a very nice place to be. Some days it is, some days it's the worst place to be. I like being alone, but not lonely. And often those two blur across the lines into each other, which makes me confused. And if 2015 has taught me anything, it's that I should never be too careful with the friends I make and the people that I associate myself with.

Some people say it's healthy to be alone - some shun it like it's a disease that they never want to get. I support the former. I went to watch a movie alone today because I could, and because I wanted to. I was supposed to watch it with James, but we fought and I decided that there was no crime in watching a movie alone.

I do things alone all the time. I eat at McDonald's alone, I eat at KFC alone, I go home alone. And it is times like these that keep me sane. I used to be a person who couldn't stand the thought of being alone - although I was alone most of the time, with my parents working and me being a single child. But as I grow older, I'm starting to take it as a blessing. I like the serenity and peace that being alone brings, and also it allows me to be independent.

And with age, comes loss. But not everyone you lose is a loss. There are some people that you learn - are a good riddance when it comes to actually pulling out weeds in your life. Some were plants that have since wilted away, some were parasites, clinging on with every bit of strength they had. But I've finally had the strength to be able to shift away from what has been choking me up, and finally I can breathe free.

I've found bosom friends in A'bidah, Juhria and Natasha. They give nothing but positive vibes and that's what I need in my life. And since I've been cut off from some people, I wish them nothing but the best. And though I've been a shitty classmate, I'm thankful for the people that I've met in Sem 2 of Year 1. You guys have been great friends and even better classmates.

It's officially the holidays for me, since I had to take UT4 for Effective Communications due to a really bad fever last Friday. Don't know if I want to get a job or not, I just feel so tired. Natasha is flying off tonight to Paris - I'm beyond envious, but I hope she has fun there. She says it's nothing much but y'know, I've never been there so... I hope to one day go to Paris. With James and my friends. Maybe it'll be fun. And Amsterdam too. Visit the TFIOS bench or something.